Sometimes I wish I could learn to love and care more...

November 05, 2008

Just another story

oops! pardon me for the long hiatus once again!

Been extremely caught up with earning moolahs by giving tuition! and spending the rest of the time doing up my assignments and planning for my family trip to Japan! :) and so, blogging becomes the last thing to do even though, on many occasions, i have got the strong urge to blog to share certain things with all my dear readers! but.. the thought of having to start up my slow-like-tortoise laptop of 3.5 years and fixing up my cranky internet was so overwhelming that i tend to give up the idea. haha. (ok, that's only partly true- since i am online perputally everynight!)

so, why the sudden mood to blog today? well, cause my silly big mouth has gotten me into 'trouble' yet again- quarrelled with my sister over something as small as an atom- cause of my inability to control my emotions and allowed anger to get better of me and my own logical reasoning.

*warning: long grandmother story ahead*

you see, this was what happened: stayed up till 5 plus am yesterday night cause i couldnt get to sleep. when i finally felt tired and decided to head to bed, i realised that i havent changed my bedsheet. therefore, i went into my sisters' room next door (where the bedsheets are stored) and i took out one set. however, i thought that was pretty light and felt different from my past experiences (cause my bed's super single sized while the others are single) and i thought my 2nd sis had taken my bedsheet by mistake and placed it on her mattress. after trying to put on that set i was holding on to, i found out that i was correct. therefore, i'd to take out the bedsheet from her mattress. i replaced it with the set i was originally holding. but i was short of a pillow case. i then went to my room and do up my bed and off i plong onto my bed, sent her an sms to tell her to check in future should she decide to use that particular bedsheet and headed to meet the sleeping god. i totally forgot about the pillow without the case on her bed. (she was staying at her bf's place by the way.)

today, she smsed me asking me if i have got my sg english notes. i went to help her look for it and told her i didnt have much things to help her. and since i have already taken my notes out, i decided to pack up my table and keep my notes away. so, spent the whole afternoon packing up the house as well.

then, night time, she came back home from work, watched some tv shows, read newspapers and headed to bed. when she noticed the undone pillow, she came out and shouted "i didnt mean to use ur bedsheet, why did you not help me put in the case for the pillow?". i was exasperated. i told her "i forgot. if i had really intended to leave it for you to do it urself, i wont even place your bedsheet for u!" i was really angry cause i had honestly forgotten about it and despite doing up the bed for her, she still can complain even though it's only 1 PILLOW CASE! i "let off my steam" by closing her room door and my cupboard door with force on purpose. and, realising that she left the newspapers all over the floor (cause i just cleared it up), i went in to ask her to pick it up tmr morning before she leave for work and i headed into my room. was complaining to darling about the whole thing in the living room (cause my younger sis was sleeping and complain that i'm making too much noise in my room)and she must have heard me. and the whole dramatic episode began.

i came back into my room to find that i've an sms- yes, your guess's correct- it's from her. in her long sms, she said things like how she thinks i had something against her all these while and hence hated her all along. she ended off her sms asking me to call the travel agency tmr to cancel her japan trip. she feels that i will be happier if she didnt come along with us. and she is not angry anymore cause she's too disappointed.

this sms caused me to want to blog. cause i needed an avenue to say out my feelings. care to know what my reaction was after reading the sms?

well, i was puzzled. i didnt know she feels that i dislike her. i didnt know she thinks i hated her. i didnt know she thinks i will be happier if she wasnt part of my life. most importantly, i didnt know that's how she thinks of me!

and so, i replied her despite her asking me to not reply. i told her that i was indeed angry and unhappy that she malign me. and with regards to the part about the newspaper- i explained that i didnt just scolded her. i told her i told my mum off this afternoon for the same reason as well cause i just packed it nicely! then i told her to STOP assuming that i hated her and had a deep hatred against her- cause i really don't. and told her that if i really hated her, i wouldnt bothered to help her look for the sge notes and when she asked me to help her do things when she's overseas, i wouldnt bothered as well. i asked her that if she was in my shoes, wouldnt she have reacted in the same manner?

i really dont know how to describe my feelings after reading the sms.

she say she's ultra sensitive in the sms. but is it my fault that she is so (overly) sensitive? to be honest, i find it tiring to talk to her at times. because, if i really want to convey my feelings, i had to be super careful with the way i phrase it, in case she interprets it the wrong way round. and true enough, by the fact that she thinks i hate her, she must have interpreted whatever i said during quarrels the past 22 years the wrong way. and mine, it's scary to ven think of the possiblity that she remembers EVERYTHING!

sigh, i dont know what else to say. but i really want to tell her this:

yes, i get agitated and blow up v easily but my anger never lasts long. i am also NEVER the one to start cold war after quarrels with you over the past 22 years. in fact, i have never ever started a cold war with anybody, except darling, after a quarrel. and it is really NOT TRUE that i hated you. cause if it is, i wouldn't bother helping you inform dad everytime u needed him to go fetch u from airport depsite being in class/tuition. i also wont bother when u called back to ask me to book hotels/search for information for you and i also wont bother to help open your letters to check if there were important matters to settle while you're outstationed, just to name a few of the things i do for you.

you say you're disappointed (i assumed's due to my actions & words), but am i not equally disappointed to have my sister think of me that way?! let me tell you this: i am equally as disappointed as well.

since we are on this matter already, let me continue a little to share some "secrets" with you.

if u ask me how i feel being in this family, i'd say this v honestly: on many occasions, i feel like a 3rd class citizen in the family. let me tell you why:

there are occasions where i feel that you guys dote on ah lee more than me. whenever you guys buy things, it's always ah lee that you all think of first. only when u all need a labourer/coolie/messenger, then it's me that you all think of. [think the wallet you all got for ah lee for bday last yr, what did i get this year?] but when u needed people to relay msg to dad, who did u sms? me.

there are also times when i feel that you guys despise and treats me like a clown. [think: do u think i like being called do-do? do you think i liked being "not as fashionable as you guys"?] i mean, i am ok with having pet names just for the fun of it. but it gets a little too much when it's said in public. [think how ah lee calls me that in front of my friends and how embarassed i felt?

a more recent example about how unappreciated i felt: have you thought about how i felt when u guys just kept complaning about how it's such a wrong time to head to japan now when i DID ASKED U GUYS IF WE SHOULD GO FOR IT? i already kept quiet when i am the only one who's doing EVERYTHING from looking for agencies, booking of tour, making of payment to now- searching for good exchange rate. but when i told u all to stop complaining, you guys say i'm petty- that you are just joking and that i pi qi bu hao. have you all put urselves in my shoes?! everyone needs to feel appreciated. did you all say thank you for taking the time and effort to plan? no. do you really think i am as free as you think i am!? no! is just that i did all that cause i really wanted us, as a whole family, to travel together. and i'd do my markings/assignment when you guys are asleep.

dont you think i already am telling myself that you guys are just joking with me and that i am just being overly sensitive?!

once again, i dont know what else to say. i only want to say, i love my family. it has never been the case where i hated any of you! angry yes, but never hatred. and so, er jie, i am equally as disappointed as you think you are when i read what you say in the sms. period.

enough of my rantings.

dear readers: i m sorry that this post ended on such a note. and sorry for being so incoherent in my thoughts. wasnt in the mood to bother to phrase them in a coherent manner. just needed an avenue to let things off my chest.

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*edited at 4am* and,now that i am feeling better and gotten over from emo-ing, i just want to say, i do know i'm loved by my family members. is just my weird feelings at times. you can call that jealousy. =P

lastly,

special thanks to miss goh mh for your prompt attention at reading my blog and for your counselling! :)

<3
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